Why do I like my own company?
All my life I cared about people. I cared if they liked me. I cared if they wanted to meet me. I cared if they said good things about me. I couldn’t imagine myself being happy without them. I couldn’t imagine myself not having friends. Not spending time with someone. Not being part of someone’s life. This way I made myself and my happiness depend on someone’s else.
I’m wondering if I really needed all these people I met in my life or I rather needed to be seen as someone popular. As someone being liked. As someone being important. Being alone was perceived as a failure. Rejection. Not being good enough. I wanted to avoid it by all means.
I’ve never been popular.
I’ve never been a part of a group. I hated when teachers have been asking me and my colleagues to form the groups at the lessons. It didn’t make any sense for me. I knew I will be the one who will make the job and the others will just sign it up. I didn’t see how we could make the job together if we didn’t understand each other. It was like forcing strangers to build something together. I didn’t feel comfortable with myself to lead them and get from them what was the most valuable. I preferred to do the job as quickly as possible and come back to my place.
I liked being paired.
It seemed much easier to connect. It seemed to be easier to build a relationship. It seemed to be easier to keep someone close. I was always trying to be paired with someone. This is how I was looking for friends. Getting someone attached to me. Making sure to have someone only for myself. Being assured our friendship is as tightened as possible. Until the other person couldn’t breathe anymore.
Today, I finally love being alone.
Not lonely, but alone. This is my choice. This is how I find my peace. This how I learn about myself. I like my own company. I don’t need any more people to make me happy. I know how to make myself happy. I know what I want. I know what is important for me. I like seeking myself. Taking the time to get to know myself better. To discover myself. I miss it from time to time when I’m overloaded with people.
We don’t need to be with people all the time to feel appreciated. To feel loved. To feel important. The fewer people around me, the more I open new doors in my life. I get more creative. I see more. I understand more. When I have too many people around me I lose the focus. I concentrate on meaningless things. I waste my time adjusting to others.
I put the quality over the quantity.
I realized how much the quality is important during my last birthday. I invited many people, but only half of them came. I thought: why I do care about people who didn’t come? Why don’t I care about people who came? Indeed, it was worthy of seeing the different perspective. It was a fantastic time when I stopped to see the glass half empty. I saw the real value of people who stay with me despite all the circumstances. That’s a real blessing.
Do you like to spend some time alone?
Do you need people to make you happy?
Do you want to always feel part of a group?