Life Challenge: When my dreams come true and I don’t enjoy it
One day I dreamt about buying a house. I wanted a home for me. The one which will be mine. The one I could decorate from scratch. The one which will be a pure expression of myself.
One day I dreamt about being a perfect housewife. The one who works full time and keeps the household impeccably. The one who’s perfectly organized. Who attracts people. The one who never argues about small matters. Who knows her value and doesn’t need to confirm it.
One day I dreamt about a perfect relationship. The one which lasts forever. The one where people don’t cease to demonstrate their love to each other. The one which always says “us”. Who stays strong regardless of what happens.
One day I dreamt about being a perfect mother. The one who knows everything. The one who never forgets. The one who never neglects. Who keeps everything in order for her baby. Who’s an example of “know how” in any matter.
One day I dreamt about being a strong woman. The one who never cries. The one who never suffers. The one who doesn’t care. The one who knows what she wants and gets what she wants. The one who resists the temptation to rely on others. Who doesn’t define herself through other people’s judgment.
One day I dreamt about being a great blogger. The one who doesn’t give up. The one who writes systematically. The one who’s always passionate about sharing valuable content. The one who gets up early and falls asleep late because of working on great stuff. Who lives for creating. Who’s never tired. Who’s able to sacrifice everything to go for the greatest.
AND THEN LIFE HAPPENED.
I bought a house but I don’t enjoy decorating it. I’m in a couple but I don’t feel like being a housewife. I got a baby and I always feel guilty that I could give more or do better. I went through painful experiences which made a stronger than I’ve ever been, but I still let stupid things take me down. I keep writing regardless of all shitty days which try to discourage me to do so, but I always feel not good enough.
Everything is different than we imagine.
You dream about one thing and when it comes you’re too busy to enjoy it.
I don’t enjoy decorating my house because of the details that kill me. I know what I want but I’m afraid all the details may not to match together. I don’t have a clear vision I thought I had. I care too much about impressing people instead of going purely for what I like. I know every guest will be judging what I’ve done even if it will be done speechlessly. I hate criticism. It makes me feel unsafe. That’s why I often tend to please people.
I don’t feel like being a housewife as I hate the routine. I hate repetitive tasks. I hate being limited to one place. I need to challenge myself and to be challenged. I need to achieve more and more. On the other hand, I blame myself for not creating a place I’ve always wanted to create. A warm, tidy and welcoming place. A housewife living in a beautiful and spotless house, receiving the guests with a home-made cake and fragrant coffee. I don’t receive guests. I barely manage to range all the items we’ve got at home. I’m tired and the only thing I want is a moment of undisturbed peace.
I didn’t get a perfect relationship and I stopped caring about being perfect. I gave up on many things as I felt the only one who seemed to care about it. We don’t celebrate our anniversaries. We don’t go for any exciting ventures. We don’t say “I love you” more often than once a few months. We forget to say “Thank you” and we struggle to say “I’m sorry”. Sometimes, we put other things over us. Sometimes, we don’t appreciate us. Sometimes, we’re tired of each other.
I don’t feel like a perfect mother and I wonder if my baby really cares if I’m the one. I struggle to plan a day carefully for my baby. I struggle to hold on a routine. To prepare meals on a timely manner. To organize activities in a structured way. To stimulate her development in a coordinated way. I’m not consistent with what I’ve decided. The way I act as a mother is not harmonized. I go for my intuition rather than for schedules.
I don’t consider myself a strong woman as I get emotional about small things. The criticism can get my feelings out of control. I worry too much about things which have no value. I lack proper self-esteem which would help me to get rid of negative thoughts about myself. I cry when I feel helpless. I want to give up when things go too tough. I doubt when I find no answers.
I love creating, but I don’t consider myself as a good author. Even if no one expects me to be the one. I set myself high standards and I get frustrated when I don’t reach them. I struggle with posting on a regular basis. I struggle to adjust the content to professional writing requirements. I struggle to find time and motivation to upskill myself in this matter. I don’t believe in myself. I believe other bloggers write more. Other bloggers write better. Other bloggers achieve great successes while I’m waiting for inspiration. I believe my best time to achieve something is already over.
LIFE HAPPENS AND WHAT?
It’s only me who imposes myself the pressure to be perfect. To have everything perfect. To live in a perfect way. Perfect doesn’t exist. Perfect is boring. Perfect doesn’t give the opportunity to grow. Growth is stimulated by constant challenges. It’s not the most pleasant part of our life but brings the best results. When you manage to overcome your weaknesses. When you face the worst. When you accept inevitable.
I don’t complain about my life. I know I give my best. I know I can find something beautiful in every weakness.
A friend of mine told me a story which goes like this: “There were once two merchants who went to a new land to sell shoes. When they arrived to the land, they realized that nobody was wearing shoes there. The first one screamed:
– Oh my God, nobody is wearing any shoes here! There’s no market for us!
At the same time the second one screamed:
– Thank God, nobody is wearing shoes here! There’s a huge market for us!
All depends on the perspective. Either you see the obstacle, or you see the opportunity. I can see all imperfect situations in my life as the obstacles or as the opportunities.
Our dreams come true. But not always the way we wish.
You can give up on them. Or you can take them into your hands and try to pull from them all what’s precious even if it’s only a small piece.
Thank you for reading this post! It means a lot to me. If you like it please share it. If not, please let me know how could I make it better.
Have a wonderful day!