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Life Story: I’m sorry I let you go.

Life Story: I’m sorry I let you go.

I lost one of the persons I loved the most. I lost one of the persons who loved me unconditionally. I loved one of the most important persons in my life.

I lost my grandma.

I haven’t seen her for eight months. I was about to see her in three weeks. Last time, I saw her on Messenger two months ago.

She told me then:

– You promised me you will come one more time.

– I will come soon, grandma. I will come to you with my baby.

I was so happy to see her soon. I missed her so much. I was feeling so bad that I didn’t manage to see her faster.

Living on the other side of the country, having a full-time job and a small baby doesn’t facilitate frequent travels.

Grandma was the one who always believed in me. I was beautiful in her eyes. I was important in her eyes. I was precious in her eyes.

She used to say to me:

– My little, little grandbaby…tell me something more. How’s your life? Are you happy?

I’ve been waiting impatiently to see her. To tell her new stories. To share my secrets with her. I felt the one when I was close to her. I was unique for her. And she was unique for me.

– Just few weeks more. Just few weeks…

That day, I left my phone in my bag for half of the day. I forgot to turn off the airplane mode. I did it in the afternoon while going for lunch. I saw 8 call attempts from my partner. I saw 4 call attempts from my mom.

I was terrified.

I knew it was a bad sign. They never call me so desperately if I don’t answer. They just send me a message. And let me call them back.

They didn’t leave me any message.

I called back my mom with heart jumping to my throat. She was not answering.

I just knew.

I called my partner. He picked up. He didn’t know how to tell it to me.

Finally, he made it:

– Your grandma passed away…

I burst into tears.

I knew it could happen anytime. But I didn’t speed up things to see her. I didn’t prioritize seeing her. I didn’t give up everything to see her. I didn’t manage to say goodbye.

I thought we still had time…

Three fucking weeks and I could tell her one more time how much I love her. How much I appreciate all she did for me. How much I’m happy to hug her.

Three fucking weeks!!!

How on Earth time can be so cruel. How I could be so foolish thinking she will be living forever.

I’m so sorry grandma…


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Have a wonderful day!

Mimi



9 thoughts on “Life Story: I’m sorry I let you go.”

  • Thankfully, I was never in your shoes. And hopefully never will. But my partner was. I know how devastating that can be.
    I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t able to make it.
    But think of it that way – she was alright with going without seeing you one more time. She KNEW how you felt about her, and she knew that you knew how she felt about you. She knew you were going to be OK.
    Also, she serves as a great reminder, so that you don’t make that mistake again in the future.

    • That’s all well said. Thank you for your supportive words. Do you believe people can decide anyhow about going with or without seeing someone? Do you believe they have any choice? I know she knew how much I loved her, but I’m wondering if she felt sad or disappointed we couldn’t make it. My partner told me: “It’s not like you didn’t say goodbye to her. Each time, you were seeing her, you were saying goodbye”. But then, I’ve been asking myself: “Couldn’t she wait for me these 3 weeks?”. Maybe she wanted to be memorized differently.

            • I’m trying to imagine how is it possible to decide about passing away. My partner’s grandma is over 90 years old, she’s tired and she would like to pass away. But she’s still alive.

              • I don’t think this can be explained with reason. I am a rather analytical person, too. But when it comes to end of life stuff… that is something totally different.

                The comment about your partner’s grandmother made me laugh. Let me just say that I never wish death on anyone. But my grandma is in the same boat. She’s been complaining about her life since I was a kid. I think she will outlive all of us. From my experience, those who want to die are teased with lengthy life. Maybe to repent? I don’t really know about that.

                What I said in the last comment(s) was really only meant in relation to the final moments.

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